I am slowly dying. Not that I am emo or morbid or whatever else you would consider that statement, but it is a fact of life. Everyone is slowly dying, and I only stated the obvious.

I just watched the movie PULSE...so stupid in my personal opinion. Made no sense, and I don't really care, and well okay that's basically all. It is stupid and made no sense.

I am over at my cousins house at the moment. Having a movie marathon, and none of the movies are related, just movies we either haven't seen or wanted to.

I want Brendon Urie to be my best friend. To be intimate with him in a way that I can't be with any other.

I made a wish on 11:11. I don't know if it will come true but I hope that it will.

Summer is always so boring. I can't wait for school to start up again in the fall.

Work is gay to me. I can't find the right job, but that's what it is a JOB. Not a career. I can't wait to finally be a published author, and to have my name out there. And to just be successful in life. To have a purpose in life.

I am in love. I hate it, because when the other person doesn't feel the same what are you supposed to do??

Normally people are happy being in love. I dwell on my misery. Has anyone ever felt that way, they are happy being unhappy? I don't know many people like that. But I have changed so much within the past year. It's amazing how much life does to people.

I am finally happy with myself, but the one person, just doesn't care. He loves me, but doesn't want ot admit that he needs me. He is scared. Why do people have to be scared. I guess I am one to talk. I am always scared, but I am trying not to be. I want to be able to get on with life after all the terrible shit that I have been through. Just because they leave doesn't mean that someone won't stay? Right?

Who am I? What have I become?

Me!

I am an amazing girl, who knows who she wants to be, who knows who she is. I am not fake, and I have finally kept that. I am finally true to the people I really love. But there are only a handful of those people. My parents aren't even in that handful, even if they have been here for me, they don't love me, not the way I need to be loved. Why can't they help me?

Can anyone really help me?

Is there anyone out there that can really know a person. Can you really know yourself?

Who is God. Do I believe? Why do people need a scapegoat? Can people just blame themselves when it is their fault?

It is my fault. I made it happen I pushed you away. I didn't mean to but I did and now I am paying the price, but I will forever have to live with that. It is tearing my heart out that you don't see that I did try. You blame me, and I know, but why can't you forgive me? I would give you everything.

I hate myself. I hate that I dwell on stupid things, but are they really stupid? They matter to me, but they don't matter to anyone else, does that make them stupid?

The rain doesn't fall around me. I have no tears to cry. You left me, I left you, you love me, I love you. We can't fix the past, but dwelling in the past does nothing. Move on with your life, and figure out what you want. Call me when you get there. I'll be waiting on the other side of the line.

Or maybe I won't. If there is nothing here, then why wait?

I would wait for you forever, but now I see there is no point.

Being without you has hurt me, but within that hurt has come happiness. I have found myself. And that is so cliche` but 'tis ture. I know what I have become. And even though then I was the bitch  I have taken myself from the one who made me that way, and became who I wanted to be. The one you always wanted me to be. But now I have realized that even though I always want to make you happy, you are not as important as me. I have to make myself happy, not you. You may come and go, but I will always be here, within myself. And I must please the one who will forever be around.

Ha Ha loser... no I am only kidding. I am the loser, but I am happy to be the wacky loser who is loved by that one person who I will never love. But to know that someone does love me, that can cure the pain, if only for the second when they tell you they can't live without you. But when they move away, it is a tradgedy, when they are your best friend.

And that is me!!

KM